The Behaviors Children Learn Without Being Taught

As a licensed school psychologist working in a public PreK-12 school district, I spend a great deal of time observing children in their natural environments. One of the privileges of my profession is that I get to watch development unfold in real time, not only during formal evaluations, but in classrooms, cafeterias, playgrounds, hallways, and conversations with families and educators. Over the years, I have become convinced that some of the most important lessons children learn are never part of a curriculum. They emerge from ordinary interactions.

A teacher who calmly responds to a mistake instead of expressing frustration. A parent who apologizes after losing their patience. A coach who notices the child who needs encouragement just as much as the one who scored the winning point. A classmate who quietly invites another child to join a game at recess. None of these moments seem particularly remarkable on their own. Yet together, they shape something much larger than the interaction itself. Developmental science is beginning to explain why.

For decades, much of the research on social influence focused on its negative effects. We became very good at understanding peer pressure, risky decision-making, and how unhealthy behaviors spread among children and adolescents. While those findings remain important, they have also created an unintended assumption: that children are especially vulnerable to negative influences. What if we have been overlooking the other side of the equation?

A fascinating study by Foulkes and colleagues approached social influence from a different perspective. Rather than asking whether children imitate undesirable behaviors, the researchers explored whether children, adolescents, and adults could also be influenced toward greater prosocial behavior, behaviors such as helping others, showing kindness, cooperating, and acting generously. Their findings suggest that they can, and perhaps more importantly, that children between approximately eight and eleven years of age were the most responsive to these positive social influences. As participants grew older, this influence became progressively weaker, suggesting that late childhood may represent a particularly important period during which children are highly attuned to the social norms around them (Foulkes et al., 2018). That finding resonates with what many parents, teachers, coaches, and other adults have likely observed for years.

Spend enough time around children and you begin to notice that behaviors often spread through groups in subtle ways. One child begins encouraging classmates after a difficult activity, and before long others begin doing the same. A teacher consistently acknowledges acts of kindness that might otherwise go unnoticed, and those behaviors gradually become more common throughout the classroom. A family develops a habit of expressing gratitude around the dinner table, and over time those expressions become part of how children naturally communicate with one another. The interesting question is not whether children influence one another. We know they do. The more interesting question is how children decide which behaviors become part of their own repertoire. The answer appears to lie, at least in part, in the social environments they experience every day.

Children are constantly gathering information about what is considered normal. They are observing how adults respond to disappointment, how peers resolve disagreements, how people treat those who are different from themselves, and whether kindness, patience, generosity, and empathy are valued within the communities they belong to. Each interaction provides another piece of information about how relationships work. Over time, these experiences accumulate.

As psychologists, we often talk about development as though it occurs through milestones or major life events. While those certainly matter, I believe much of development is built through repetition. It is shaped by thousands of small experiences that gradually influence children's expectations about themselves and other people. Every respectful conversation, every moment of patience, every opportunity to help someone else contributes another data point that children use to understand the social world. This perspective has meaningful implications for all of us.

Parents often wonder whether children are listening. Teachers wonder whether small interactions really matter amid the many demands of a school day. Coaches, therapists, grandparents, and mentors may question whether brief moments of encouragement leave lasting impressions. Research like this suggests they very well might.

Perhaps one of the most important messages from this study is that positive influence is not passive. It is something we actively create through the culture we establish within our homes, classrooms, teams, and communities. Children are not simply learning from the formal lessons we teach. They are learning from the norms we reinforce, the behaviors we model, and the interactions we consistently repeat.

This is one reason I often encourage adults to think beyond correcting unwanted behaviors. While setting limits and maintaining expectations are important, creating environments where children regularly experience cooperation, encouragement, empathy, and respect may be equally powerful. Children need opportunities not only to hear about kindness, but to observe it, participate in it, and experience it repeatedly.

Working in public education has reinforced something I believe deeply. Children's development is rarely shaped by one extraordinary moment. More often, it is influenced by ordinary moments repeated often enough to become part of how they understand the world.

The science is beginning to validate what many experienced educators and parents have intuitively understood for years. Children are remarkably sensitive to the social norms around them, particularly during late childhood. The examples we consistently provide become evidence they use to construct their own understanding of relationships, compassion, cooperation, and belonging.

Perhaps that is why the seemingly ordinary interactions we have with children deserve far more attention than they often receive. They are not simply moments that pass. They are experiences that quietly become part of the adults those children will one day become.

Foulkes, L., Leung, J. T., Fuhrmann, D., Knoll, L. J., & Blakemore, S. J. (2018). Age differences in the prosocial influence effect. Developmental Science, 21(6), e12666. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6221149/

Before We Ask Children to Regulate, We Should Look at Ourselves

We ask a lot of children when it comes to managing themselves. We want them to calm down when they are upset, think before they act, handle disappointment, follow directions, communicate appropriately, and recover when things do not go their way. These skills are important, but children are not born knowing how to do all of them. They develop over time, and the adults around them play an important role in that process.

Recent research on caregiver sensitivity offers a useful reminder of just how important everyday interactions can be. Caregiver sensitivity simply refers to an adult's ability to notice what a child is communicating, understand what they may need, and respond appropriately. A large 2026 review that brought together findings from hundreds of studies found that greater caregiver sensitivity was associated with stronger attachment, language skills, and cognitive development in children.

That may sound simple enough, but anyone who spends significant time with children knows that responding thoughtfully is not always easy. A child refuses to get ready for school. A student shuts down when work becomes difficult. A teenager becomes angry after being told no. The adult may already be tired, stressed, running late, or thinking about several other responsibilities. Suddenly, the child's frustration becomes the adult's frustration too.

This is where another area of research becomes especially important. Our ability as adults to manage our own emotions, thoughts, impulses, and stress influences how we respond to children, particularly during difficult moments. Research on parent self-regulation suggests that when adults have greater difficulty regulating themselves, responding constructively to challenging child behavior can become more difficult as well.

None of this means that parents, teachers, coaches, or other adults need to remain perfectly calm all the time. That is unrealistic. Adults get frustrated, have difficult days, and sometimes respond in ways they later wish they had handled differently. The more important point is that regulation does not happen entirely within the child. It develops through relationships.

Researchers use the term co-regulation to describe the back-and-forth process through which adults and children influence one another and through which adults can help children gradually develop their own ability to regulate. We see this constantly in everyday life. A young child becomes overwhelmed and an adult helps them settle. A frustrated student cannot figure out where to begin an assignment and a teacher helps organize the first few steps. A teenager becomes angry after receiving a consequence and a parent gives them some space before continuing the conversation.

In each case, the adult is not eliminating frustration or solving every problem for the child. They are providing enough support for the child to manage something that may temporarily be beyond what they can handle independently. As children develop, the goal is for them to gradually need less of that support and become increasingly capable of regulating themselves.

The relationship also works in both directions. Children affect the adults around them. A child's frustration can increase an adult's frustration, which can then further increase the child's emotional reaction. Research describes how these patterns can become cycles in which the reactions of the adult and child continue to intensify one another. An adult's ability to recognize what is happening and regulate their own response can help interrupt that cycle.

Being regulated does not mean being permissive. Children still need boundaries, expectations, accountability, and consequences. A parent can say no without escalating an argument. A teacher can maintain an expectation while recognizing that a student is overwhelmed. An adult can be firm while still being responsive to what a child is communicating. Regulation allows us to respond intentionally instead of simply reacting in the moment.

This also gives us a broader way to think about adult wellbeing. Sleep, stress, healthy coping, supportive relationships, and our own ability to manage difficult emotions affect more than how we personally feel. They can influence how we show up in our relationships with children. Supporting the adults who care for and work with children can therefore be an important part of supporting children themselves.

Of course, parenting or adult behavior does not determine everything about a child's development. The research itself cautions against making that conclusion. Children develop through a complicated combination of individual characteristics, relationships, experiences, environments, and many other influences. What these studies do reinforce is something both simple and powerful: relationships matter.

We spend a great deal of time teaching children how to regulate their emotions, solve problems, cope with frustration, and make good decisions. Sometimes helping them develop those abilities begins with the adults around them having the capacity to model and support those same skills.

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Trauma-Informed, Not Trauma-Defined: Supporting Children Through Understanding

Children do not experience trauma in the same way adults do. While adults often recognize trauma as the result of a single life-threatening event, children may be deeply affected by a wide range of experiences, including abuse, neglect, the loss of a loved one, exposure to violence, serious illness, family conflict, divorce, community violence, natural disasters, or chronic stress. What matters is not only the event itself, but how the child's brain and body respond to it.

Research over the past several decades has transformed our understanding of childhood trauma. Studies on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and advances in developmental neuroscience have demonstrated that repeated or significant stress can influence how a child's brain develops, particularly in areas responsible for attention, emotional regulation, memory, learning, and executive functioning. When a child's stress response system remains activated for prolonged periods, the brain often prioritizes survival over learning.

This helps explain why trauma may appear in ways that are easily misunderstood. A child who has experienced trauma may become more withdrawn or emotionally reactive. They may have difficulty concentrating, following directions, managing frustration, or trusting adults. Others may become overly compliant, anxious, or perfectionistic. Some children appear constantly "on alert," while others seem emotionally disconnected. Although these behaviors can be disruptive or confusing, they are often adaptive responses to experiences that have overwhelmed a child's sense of safety.

This is where a trauma-informed approach becomes so important.

Being trauma-informed does not mean lowering expectations or excusing inappropriate behavior. Rather, it means recognizing that behavior often communicates an unmet need or underlying experience. Instead of asking, "What's wrong with this child?" a trauma-informed perspective encourages us to ask, "What might this child have experienced, and how can I respond in a way that promotes safety, connection, and growth?"

Research consistently demonstrates that strong, supportive relationships with caring adults are among the most powerful protective factors for children who have experienced adversity. A predictable routine, emotional validation, clear expectations, and consistent responses help children develop a sense of stability. Feeling seen, heard, and understood can reduce stress and strengthen a child's ability to regulate emotions and engage in learning.

Parents can reinforce a trauma-informed approach at home by creating routines that provide predictability, responding with curiosity before correction, and helping children identify and express their emotions. Simple practices such as maintaining regular meal and bedtime routines, spending uninterrupted time together, and modeling healthy coping strategies help children rebuild a sense of safety and connection. Equally important is recognizing that children often need co-regulation before they are capable of self-regulation. Calm, supportive adults help children learn to calm themselves over time.

Teachers play an equally important role. Greeting students by name, establishing consistent classroom expectations, offering choices when appropriate, and viewing challenging behavior through a lens of understanding can help create environments where children feel emotionally safe enough to learn. Trauma-informed classrooms are not less structured. In many ways, they are more intentional about balancing accountability with compassion.

It is also important to recognize that trauma is only one possible explanation for changes in behavior or learning. Attention difficulties, learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, medical conditions, and other developmental factors can present in similar ways. Understanding the underlying cause is essential to providing effective support rather than relying on assumptions.

One of the most meaningful shifts adults can make is moving from asking why a child is behaving a certain way to asking what the child may need in that moment. That shift encourages curiosity, strengthens relationships, and creates opportunities to respond in ways that support both development and learning.

Children are remarkably resilient, particularly when surrounded by adults who provide consistency, understanding, and hope. Trauma may become part of a child's story, but it does not have to define the ending.

The Hidden Life Lessons Children Learn Through Sports, Martial Arts, and Other Activities

Children learn far more from experiences than from lectures. Some of the most important life skills are not developed during formal lessons, but through repeated participation in activities that gradually shape how children think, respond, communicate, and relate to others over time.

Sports, martial arts, music, clubs, creative activities, and other structured experiences often teach lessons that extend well beyond the activity itself. A child participating in team sports is not only learning athletic skills. They are learning how to cooperate with others, work toward shared goals, manage disappointment, respond to feedback, and continue contributing even when things do not go perfectly. They begin to understand concepts like accountability, persistence, and the importance of individual effort within a larger group.

Martial arts often provide a different but equally valuable set of experiences. In addition to physical training, many programs emphasize discipline, emotional control, patience, consistency, and respect. Children learn that frustration does not always require an immediate reaction and that growth often comes from repetition, structure, and gradual improvement over time. These experiences can help strengthen emotional regulation, confidence, and self-control in ways that extend into school, relationships, and daily life.

Creative activities such as music, art, theater, or dance also play an important role in development. These experiences often encourage self-expression, frustration tolerance, sustained attention, flexibility, and confidence. Children learn how to practice through difficulty, accept imperfection, and continue developing a skill even when immediate success does not occur.

Research in child development continues to support the idea that structured extracurricular activities can positively influence social development, emotional regulation, self-esteem, persistence, and overall well-being. Many of these environments provide opportunities for children to experience manageable challenges while also receiving support, encouragement, and constructive feedback from adults and peers.

At the same time, the activity itself is only part of the equation. The way parents respond to and reinforce these experiences at home also matters greatly. Children often absorb life lessons more effectively when adults help them reflect on the process rather than focusing only on outcomes.

For example, after a game, practice, recital, or competition, conversations centered around effort, teamwork, resilience, sportsmanship, preparation, emotional control, or personal growth are often more beneficial than conversations focused entirely on winning or performance. Helping children process setbacks, tolerate frustration, and recognize gradual improvement teaches them that success is not simply about results, but also about growth and persistence.

Parents also model many of these same lessons through everyday interactions. Children observe how adults handle stress, disappointment, conflict, patience, and responsibility. In many ways, the lessons children learn through activities become stronger when they are reinforced consistently within the home environment.

Not every child will connect with the same activity, and not every lesson develops at the same pace. What matters most is often consistent exposure to experiences that encourage growth, responsibility, emotional development, cooperation, and perseverance over time.

Many of the most important life lessons children develop are not taught through direct instruction alone. They are developed gradually through relationships, repetition, challenge, encouragement, and experience.

For more insights like this, follow along as we continue exploring child development, learning, and the power of everyday interactions.

Every Interaction Matters: How Adult Responses Shape a Child’s Learning and Emotional Growth

In education and parenting alike, we often focus on outcomes. Grades, behavior, test scores, compliance. Yet beneath every outcome is something more foundational: interaction. The daily exchanges between adults and children shape how young people understand themselves, their abilities, and their place in the world.

When a child struggles academically or behaviorally, the response they receive can either reinforce discouragement or cultivate resilience. A frustrated comment may deepen self-doubt. A patient explanation may build confidence. Over time, these moments accumulate. They influence motivation, emotional regulation, and a child’s willingness to take academic risks.

In my work as a licensed (Florida) and nationally certified school psychologist serving families in Palm Beach County and the Treasure Coast, I often see how misunderstood learning differences or attention challenges can alter a child’s trajectory. When effort is misinterpreted as laziness, or anxiety is mistaken for defiance, children may internalize narratives that do not reflect their true abilities. Conversely, when concerns are approached with curiosity and structure, children gain clarity and a sense of direction.

A comprehensive evaluation is not simply about identifying strengths and weaknesses. It is about understanding how a child learns, processes, and experiences their environment. That understanding allows parents, teachers, and other adults to adjust interactions in ways that foster growth rather than frustration.

Every interaction communicates a message. It can signal capability or inadequacy. Safety or uncertainty. Possibility or limitation. When adults respond thoughtfully and consistently, children are more likely to develop resilience, confidence, and long-term academic engagement.

This perspective forms the foundation of my work and is explored more deeply in my book, Every Interaction Matters: Rethinking How Adults Shape the Lives of Children. Whether in the classroom, at home, or during the evaluation process, intentional adult responses can meaningfully shape a child’s developmental path.

When concerns arise, seeking clarity is not about labeling. It is about creating an environment where interactions support understanding, growth, and opportunity.

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If your child seems. to be working very hard in school but still struggling to make progress, it may help to better understand how they learn.

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Gifted vs. High-Achieving: What’s the Difference?

Many parents notice early academic strength and wonder whether their child is simply high-achieving or truly gifted. While the terms are often used interchangeably, they reflect different learning profiles and educational needs. Understanding the distinction can help ensure that your child receives the appropriate level of challenge and support.

High-achieving students typically perform well within grade-level expectations. They complete assignments accurately, respond positively to structure, and consistently meet or exceed academic standards. These students tend to thrive within the existing curriculum and demonstrate strong work habits and motivation.

Gifted learners, however, often demonstrate cognitive abilities that significantly exceed grade-level expectations. They may grasp concepts quickly, show advanced reasoning skills, ask complex questions, or become bored with repetition. Some gifted students are not always top performers. Without appropriate challenge, they may disengage or underperform.

A comprehensive evaluation can clarify whether strong performance reflects high achievement within grade expectations or cognitive abilities that warrant enrichment or acceleration. For families in Palm Beach County and the Treasure Coast, early identification can help ensure educational planning aligns with a child’s intellectual strengths.

Free Parent Guide for Parents

If your child seems. to be working very hard in school but still struggling to make progress, it may help to better understand how they learn.

Download the free guide: 5 Signs Your Child May Benefit From a Learning Evalutation